In my practice, I often coach parents about how to move from the punishment model, into creating reasonable consequences that positively shape their child’s behavior. One crucial tool in this toolkit is the three strikes method. Giving your child three strikes before enacting the consequence, provides your child the opportunity to reflect, reshape their behavior and redeem themselves.
To illustrate it in action, I will use a common point of tension in the average household these days: screen-time. In this scenario, your child had permission to be on the tablet and is now being asked to turn it off. Your child evades this request by negotiating for more time, perhaps accusing you of tyranny (a.k.a. Poopyhead), or by simply refusing to relinquish the device.
As your ire rises, the temptation to issue a blanket injunction against all screen time is incredibly tempting.
But, you’ve been here before and not only is the nuclear fallout of emotion exhausting for all, but it feels like it was a strong-arm victory, devoid of mutual compassion and a strain on your interpersonal connection. (Plus, as parents, taking away screen-time secretly feels like a punishment for us!)
Please note: I am not advocating parenting without limits, giving in when your child resists, or a permissive parenting style. The three strike method falls under the category of authoritative parenting and helps the child to understand that:
Your anger thermometer is rising
Your patience is running thin
The situation is escalating
So, in the tablet scenario, what do you do? Here's how it might look:
1. You clearly outline the benefits to doing what you’ve asked them to do. For example, “Sam, screen time is over. I understand that you want more screentime, but it’s time to do something else. When you get right off the device when I the time is up, it makes me so proud of you and want to give you more screentime!”
2. Inversely, when the child does something transgressive, you name the transgression and name the natural consequence, i.e., “When you scream at me when it’s time to turn off screen, I start to wonder if screentime is a bad idea.”
3. Empathize and provide an emotional regulation tip, if you still have the emotional energy to do so. For example, “I get it, turning off your tablet is hard. When I was a kid, I remember turning off the TV was really hard. It’s ok to be upset, but it’s not ok to call me names. Go run outside a bit, or take some deep breaths to let go of these feelings.”
OR
“I know you are having a hard time with this. I really like to watch TV too, but there are so many other fun things to do that are better for our bodies and our brains. Sometimes, when I am feeling this way, I make myself do some jumping jacks, or put on music and sing and dance. Let’s try that.”
OR
“You are really upset. I get it. When I’m really upset, I need to ________ (insert your strategy, i.e. go to your room and read a book, yell into a pillow, take deep breaths).
4. When all else fails, the strikes begin. If your child is still exhibiting negative behaviors, name the behavior, the strike, the consequence and a possible remedy. For example, ‘It’s ok to be mad, not ok to knock down your sister’s blocks. That’s Strike One. Three strikes and you will lose screentime for ________ (insert timeframe here). Maybe grab your favorite book and relax in your bed a bit.”
5. When the child is calm, focus on collaborating for a better process next time. During this time you kindly explain some secrets to achieving success. For example, you encourage the child to set a timer for themselves, when they’re on the screen (I love the time timer) so they don’t have to be told by you that their time is up, which can sometimes trigger interpersonal conflict. Or, if your child has a tendency to react with heightened emotion, you can remind the child to take deep breaths and count to 10 before getting off the device.
The Three Strikes method is a compassionate parenting practice that creates space to:
Reflect on their trigger and reaction
Practice self-regulation
Change their behavior
Redeem themselves in your eyes and in their own
The beauty of this, is that when they are given a chance to redeem themselves, they also begin to understand what they are capable of and enjoy an opportunity to make their parent proud - both important building blocks for self-esteem. (Ideally, children relish the chance to please their parents, while getting their needs met.)
In addition, consistently using the three strikes method, demonstrates to the child that you are in control of your own emotions, which:
Fosters trust
Engenders a sense of security
Models emotional modulation and psychical restraint
When you simply throw out a punishment, even if the punishment is related directly to the situation, for example the child does not get off the iPad when you ask them to and your punishment is that they lose their iPad privileges for the day, you still are creating a zero sum situation. This is creates undue challenges to your child’s tentative emotional regulation skills and may result in screaming, or crying, or both.
Children are still learning and they are learning from you. When your heightened emotion clashes with their heightened emotion, the two typical outcomes are for them to become crestfallen and passive, or to resist and raise their emotional threshold up above yours. Children are reactive creatures. They are, by their very nature, novices. Your children have been entrusted to you to guide and mold. Adults have had many years to learn how to control themselves and are capable of setting aside ego wounds for the greater good or the teachable moment.
The three strikes method is a tool for your benefit and for the benefit of the child. You are learning together. The last thing any parent wants is for their child to spiral into shame. The three strike method allows the child to experience what it is to be successful in your eyes and in their own. It is also a working model for compassion and redemption that can be applied in other domains of your life.